(unfinished)
Today my sister came to visit and i was so happy to see her. But at the same time i felt numb, cause i recognised her but at the same time she was a stranger to me. I know about lots of my symptoms, why they exist and how to manage but this kinda scared me. She was sitting right in front of me and i couldn’t even say since when her face looked the way it did. To be fair a really beautiful and kind one to sit across but still, an unfamiliar one.
I sit by the sea and gaze in the bright nightly sky, try to make out all the stars possible to see with my bare eyes, but i can’t. My eyes are tired and my body wants to rest. I sit and just let go. I sleep – or is it just no longer me¿ The energy shifts and i feel myself moving and happiness takes over. But it is not mine, or is it? It is my body but i share it and it is no fun, even tho i am so happy for this little happy one to finally being able to come out again and feel, feel something else than the pain every hit took, every word stole and the night robbed. The sad story of her life isn’t mine, i am just here to help her stay alive through all this. I feel like i am holding a whole bag of rocks and try to stay above water while the bag just wants to die. But the bag is no bag and the rocks no rocks and i am no person – or am I? Sometimes i forget how it feels to be whole and i forget to breathe. But she reminds me of the happiness possible, she laughs and plays and enjoys all the little things while i just wanna keep everything together and get stable to finally stay stable and work again. Sounds weird? Maybe. But we are all grown up and have responsibilities and no therapist or doctor can tell me it’s okay to just «take the time to fully heal». Cause for me it sounds like they say «it’s okay to just do nothing» and that can’t be true. That is not true. I am certain of it.
I AM HERE AND I AM NOW AND I FEEL – I FINALLY FEEL
THIS IS HOW I FEEL AND HOW I EXPERIENCE EVERY WAKE MOMENT I GET. AS FEW AS THEY ARE, THE MORE I ENJOY EVERY LITTLE ONE OF THEM. IF YOU WOULD ASK ME IF I WAS REAL I WOULD SAY, I DON’T KNOW. CAUSE I REALLY DON’T. IT FEELS SO JOYOUS AND BEAUTIFUL TO BE AWAKE AND I JUST WANNA SMILE AND I CAN’T EVEN DO SOMETHING AGAINST IT CAUSE I JUST SMILE. I SMILE AND LAUGH AND ENJOY EVERY CORN OF SAND IN MY WAY. AND THERE IS ACTUALLY ANOTHER ONE, A BIG ONE BESIDE ME AND HE IS A HUMAN AND I LIKE HIM. SOME WOULD PROBABLY SAY I AM IN LOVE BUT I JUST FEEL HIM AND I CAN’T TELL WHO OR WHAT HE IS BUT HE IS MY PERSON, THE ONE I TRUST AND FEEL SO SAFE AROUND THAT I AM OUT AT NIGHT AND BE UNBOTHERED BY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. MAYBE I DO LOVE HIM BUT WHO AM I TO TELL, IF I NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE IT? MY HEAD IS TRYING TO PROCESS THE MOMENTS I HAVE BUT IT KEEPS QUIET AND MY HEART TAKES OVER. IT BEATS AND IT BEATS FOR LIFE. LIFE I HAD NOT MUCH OF, CAUSE WHEN IT GETS HARSH I VANISH CAUSE THEY ALL WANNA PROTECT ME. THEY WANNA PUSH ME ASIDE TO TAKE OVER AND FIGHT THE MONSTERS. BUT I WANNA FIGHT THEM TOO. I WANNA FIGHT THEM ALL CAUSE I AM BADASS AS F*K.
